Make your bed...
Pick up the dirty clothes from your floor...
Stop picking your nose...
Stop fighting with your brother...
Don't yell at your sister...
That's it, don't even look at eachother...
It never fails. Over the course of a week, I will repeat these (and many more) admonitions until I'm ready to pull my hair out. Sheesh, over the course of one day, I will repeat them!
Though my children - and I'm talking about the big kids here, not the toddler - have been reminded, reproved, rebuked, and restricted, they persist in not making those beds, giving me an attitude about it, and getting themselves into trouble. Even as I'm saying to them, you are going to get into trouble if you persist, they PERSIST!
So, I find myself wondering, what the *beep*?! Don't these kids ever learn?!
If their room needed to be clean yesterday, and the day before, and the day before that, and so on, they should realize it needs to be clean today. If I didn't want them to go hide in the bathroom during after-dinner-clean-up yesterday, chances are it's going to annoy me tonight just as much. Well, no, actually, it's going to annoy me more...much more.
So, last week, when I was at the end of my rope, ready to ground the next child who rolled their eyes for all eternity, I realized something. I'm not any better. Thirty years old and I still don't learn my lessons very well.
Now, I'm not going to go running around announcing that to these kiddos. Not even close, bud.
But, it's the truth.
In my first marriage, I lost most of my own identity. I didn't do the things I loved any more. I never sang, not even while I was doing the dishes. I just kind of shut down and became a Mom and a Wife and that was it.
I visited an aunt and uncle toward the end of that marriage and the strangest thing happened. My aunt asked me what was going on with us. I went into a long ramble about all the plans Uno had, school, work, whatever. She looked at me and asked, "Well, what about you?" My answer? "I'm sort of back-burnered right now."
I went home that night and wrote in my journal for the first time in months. "Back-burnered?" What was worse, that it was true or that I'd let it happen or, maybe, that there had never been a time when I hadn't been on that damn back-burner? Or, maybe, the worst was that, it was true, I had let it happen, it was a pattern, AND I had admitted it non-chalantly. Like it was no big deal.
"Like" is the key word there, because it *was* a big deal. To me, at least. I wanted so many things out of life, out of myself, and I had let them slip through my fingers.
When that marriage ended, I swore - Never Again! I might have stuck it on my bumper had I found it in sticker form.
By that time, I barely spoke to my own friends. I rarely saw my family. I had stopped listening to a lot of the music only I liked, watched mostly movies and shows that he liked. It wasn't a conscious decision. It had just gradually happened, like I was silly putty pressed against a cartoon strip. Pulled away from Uno, I wasn't really me. I just had an image super-imposed upon myself.
It took me a while to reconnect with what it meant to just be me. What did I really like? What did I want to read? And so on...
Well, Never Again! didn't really work out. I mean, I kept all my own likes and adopted only those of my second husband's (from here on out, he'll be 'Dos.' Man, am I lame with these pseudonyms, or what?) that I also enjoyed. I was much better about stating my likes and dislikes and sticking to my guns in that arena. If I didn't like a band, I said so. If I liked a movie that he didn't, I stuck by my own opinion. Not obnoxiously (though you'd have to check with him really, on that score, I guess), but like any other normal person.
Unfortunately, I ignored all the rest of it. I became totally wrapped up in being a Wife and Mom again. (Which is not a bad thing, if you can keep a balance. Don't get me wrong. I believe that wives and moms should be totally "in it." They just need to have other things that are their own, right? Right. Good, I'm glad we agree...).
So, the pattern started back up again. I started seeing less and less of my own friends and adopted his circle of friends as my own. I didn't go out, because surely the whole family would self-destruct without my presence. When I did try to branch out (ie. going back to school), I let it be derailed over and over again. I put all of my family's wants and needs ahead of my own, but especially my husband's. I started gaining weight like it was my job...
Now, I'm not saying this to form some kind of virtual pity party. It's the truth. I tend to lose my own identity in relationships, for whatever reasons. Part of it is this deep-seated need within myself to have everyone like me. Even people I don't particularly like. Also, I like feeling needed. (I Want You to Want Me is playing in my head right now). Another bit of it is, I don't like to be mean. I don't like for people to even think I'm being mean. I don't like for people to be angry with me. I don't like to have big confrontations.
One of Dos' biggest complaints about me, and it's true, is that I tend to shut down in an argument.
We're not talking about, Hey, why did you leave this wet towel on top of the clean clothes?! kind of arguments. No, the kind of arguments that come at the end of a disintegrating relationship, or the whoppers that accumulate over the years that lead to the disintegration. During those, I wrap silence around myself like a comforting blanket and burrow into it. It takes quite a bit of effort to peel that blanket back, too. I've either got to be seeing-red angry or hysterical, neither of which lends themselves to a productive "disagreement."
Come to think of it, maybe I learned one lesson too well. If you haven't got anything nice to say...
"You know, just because you meet someone and like them, it doesn't mean you have to marry them." Thanks, Mum, for that one. She gave me this helpful reminder the other day. You see, I married Uno after six months of dating and Dos after a year of dating. (Just in case you're wondering, no. No, I was not pregnant either time.). So, there's another lesson to learn. Give it some time. Like, a LOOOOOONG time. (Although, if you remember, this is a moot point. I'm never having a relationship again... --"Yeah right," says my mum, bless her heart.).
Relationships aside, there are other lessons I can't seem to learn. Here's a short list:
- I cannot keep control of my finances. Which leads to...
- I have too much debt, which I continue to accumulate in the form of past due bills and unpaid medical expenses...
- I don't take care of my car. I never remember to get a tune-up. The oil light stays on too long. It needs a wash and a vacuuming, badly. It just had to have about $1,500 worth of work because I don't get regular maintenance done to it.
- I am constantly late. You'd think that (like the kids' beds), if I realize that I always run about a half hour late for my appointments and get-togethers, I would just plan to get ready a half hour earlier. But I never do...
and the biggest one:
- I've never been able to lose weight *and* keep it off.
I've stated before that there have been times when I lost a remarkable amount of weight, but it always comes creeping back.
My mum and my best friend would tend to be kind and say, You've had four kids. It's true, I have, and they are sweet for pointing to that as the cause for my weight gain. But that's not why I get progressively bigger. The reason for that, lovelies, is I like to eat whatever I want, whenever I want, and as much of it as I want. It's a battle between my heart and my head.
My head says, Hey, I'm just trying to help out our hips! Have a heart, heart. For the love of God, ease up on the bacon, and the chocolate, and the french fries, and the...everything!
My heart answers with, I'm sad, leave me alone! I'll eat what I like and I'll like what I eat. Until tomorrow. When I'll hate what I ate and feel sad about that, too. Until more food makes me feel better...
If I've heard it once, I've heard it a thousand times. Whole grains, proper portion sizes, it's not a diet, it's relearning how to eat, get active, don't eat your emotions...
I definitely have a surplus of knowledge about what I'm supposed to do to get healthy. I've been reading up on the subject for years. Since high school really. I just never LEARN MY LESSON!
But then, I've never taken such a leap into public accountability, either. I've always clung to the notion that telling people I was trying to lose weight would detract from the process. Cheapen it, or some b.s. like that. Because it IS b.s., pure and simple. I didn't want anyone to know, because if it didn't work out the way I had hoped, I'd feel like even more of a failure!
Well, for goodness' sake, I wasn't exactly feeling like a success anyway! So, I'm trying the accountable approach this time. Maybe I've finally learned my lesson...
(and maybe there's hope that tomorrow, the kids' beds will be made when I walk by their room...).
All love,
nik*
I love this blog.
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