Still scared after all these years...

Have you ever seen a child in an absolute panic?  Forehead clammy, eyes tight at the corners and brimming with tears and rising fear?  Breathing, shallow and fast?


My nine year old daughter (let's call her, Prima) had a dentist appointment today.  We'd known for a week now that some work would need to be done, poor lovey.  The unfortunate thing (for Prima, her dentist, and me) is: she's got a very low threshold for pain.  


I mean, I cannot remember a single physical where fits (tears, boogers, hyperventilation, the works) have not started at the merest whisper of "immunizations."  Once, by far the worst instance, it took two nurses (with my help!) to restrain her while she received the dreaded shots.


So, there Prima sat at 11 o'clock this morning, tears falling down her cheeks and sniffles rumbling through her nose like a thunderstorm, asking, "Do I have to get a shot?!"  


As an adult (I use this term loosely.  Even though I am 30 and the mother of four children - the oldest of which will be a DECADE old in October - I still have trouble thinking of myself as "a grown-up."  Naturally, living with my parents again isn't exactly fostering that self-image...), I've gotten a little better than Prima at hiding my panic attacks.  


I would have to say that my threshold for emotional pain has always been relatively low (much like my self-esteem).  Subsequently, I've always wondered to myself, am I abnormal?  Does anyone else walk through life secretly afraid that they are a nuisance to those around them?  Do other people consider themselves uninteresting, unoriginal, underwhelming?  In short, is anyone else an insecure emotional wreck?  


Of course, like Prima, I don't walk around afraid of the "needle" all the time.  


Most days, I cruise along blithely ignoring the niggling voice in my head whispering about past failures or hypothetical future disappointments.  (Coincidentally, that voice is the same one that's whining for chocalate chip cookies.  She's such a b...witch.).


But, I've got my triggers, like: disagreements or confrontations, interviews and meetings, parties with a large number of people I don't know, parties with a small number of people I don't know, "small talk," and so on.  


I guess what I'm trying to say is, meeting new people and "making new friends" are far outside of my comfort zone.   Again, no big deal.  Many people are admittedly shy around new people.  Also, who the heck LIKES confrontations?  Or work meetings?


However, my problems go beyond these examples.  


There are days when I will be convinced (that voice again - she's a persuasive witch) that I am imposing myself on my established friends.  Every few weeks, I'll check in with an "I'm not bothering you, am I?"  


My personal version of, "Do I have to get a shot?" 


I will occasionally get myself into a funk where I question every decision I've ever made...forehead clammy, breathing shallow.  I'll weigh my accomplishments, my worth, my being and (unlike my actual, physical weight) I'll be light on that self-imposed scale.  


It's a snake that's been eating its own tail my whole life...and I'm sick of it.  


I much prefer the symbolism of the phoenix and I'm ready to adopt it as my own.  I've been burned, but damnit, I'm daring myself to rise up from the ash. (Thank you, Ani DiFranco).  


Not everyone *needs* to find me interesting or worthwhile.  


D'UH!  Has it really taken me 30 years to get to this point?  


I've got to work on getting just one person on this planet to really love me unequivocally with their whole heart...me.  Everything else will fall into place if I can just do that.  If I can just...


There I go again!  Doubting myself already!  Sheesh.


Today gave me hope though...


Prima asked, "Do I have to get a shot?," heard the answer, "Yes," and (for the first time ever) dried her eyes with a tissue, sat back, and took it like a Big Girl.  I've never been so proud.  More than her tears, that new-found bravery, that determination to just roll with it, brought tears to my eyes...and some fortitude to my heart.