slow train coming...

The baby, Quarto, woke at 4:30 this morning and had a lot of trouble getting back to sleep.  By trouble, I mean, he was completely uninterested in it.  Next, Prima and Secondo got up around 7:00.  Prima already grimacing and fighting with her brother.  Secondo already whiny.  Last up was Terza, already yelling and crying, at 8:00 this morning.  So, by 8:30, as they continued to fight, cry, and whine and were just pulling out their handy-dandy attitudes, I was wondering what mood altering contaminant had been added to our house's water. 

A few hours later, things have calmed down.  Bellies have been filled (in some cases, a few times), Prima and I have done our morning Yoga (a new development that we are both enjoying - time together doing something fun, challenging, and easily adaptable for our differing exercise needs), and Quarto is happily taking a nap in the swing.  Phew! 

But, this "funk" has not been contained to the kiddos.  In fact, posting this week has been very difficult.  My optimism of the past few weeks has been on a steady decline since the weekend.  Subsequently, I haven't really known what to write about.  I hate to admit to feeling less than top-notch.  I want so badly to be in control of my emotions at all times, to just get over the past few years as quickly as possible, to get my head on straight and my heart healed up with a great big wall built around it so it never breaks again. 

I read one of my journals from the last months of my marriage last night.  There was a lot going on in my mind then and I wrote almost daily, trying to figure out (as best I could) what I was really thinking and feeling as things got progressively worse.  One line, in particular, has stayed with me today.  

When did I become so f*ing pitiable?!

I was feeling very helpless, lost, and impossibly weak.  I also felt other people's pity (or, more kindly, their empathy) pressing down on me.  Mostly because I had created (or helped to create) for myself another decimated home and every "I'm so sorry" seemed to compound my own feelings of regret, remorse, and failure.  I don't know that I've ever felt so alone before, even as family and friends pressed closer with love and support.  To "suddenly" lose your best friend (no matter how long the process of losing may have been), the person that is supposed to know you the best, hold you when you are feeling your lowest, is a frightening place to be.  


These days, that state of fragility is slowly fading, or better - is slowly being fortified - but it is a slow process. Painfully slow at times.  

Of course, as a very good friend pointed out to me, it's only been three months.  How easy it can be to forget that.  Time is a strange thing.  Three months can be both an eternity and no time at all; just one of many paradoxes in my life lately.  Those two different people pulling me in opposite directions.  The past few days, their fight has gone something like this:


Me 1:  Let's sit and read old letters and journals and have a good cry.


Me 2:  No thanks!  Let's go punch and kick the air and work out our frustrations. Stop feeling so sorry for yourself!


Me 1:  Well, can we at least eat some cake and listen to nostalgic songs?


Me 2:  Bah!  Let's listen to all new music that doesn't remind us of anything and have some air-popped popcorn.


Me 1:  But we need to grieve a little!  


Me 2:  But we need to get over it!


In some ways, both sides are correct; alone, they could not be more wrong.  I do want and need to get over it, but what I realized while working so hard at trying to write this post is, a little residual grief never killed anyone.  How can you heal from something so big, so traumatic in such a short time?  Moreover, how can you truly heal from something if you are constantly running from it, trying to pretend that it didn't happen?  


So, both sides are right.  I need to grieve every now and then, but I also need to keep moving forward.  That's the trick, as best as I can figure it:  To wallow in sadness when it surfaces, while trying not to venture in any further than my ankles.  In the past, I've tended to wade in up to my neck and get pulled under by a vicious riptide of depression.  (It's mid-July, a beach analogy seems only fitting).   


So, what is the solution when I am feeling low?  To listen to both of "myselves." I went and read my journals, had a small cry over a few emails, and ate a milk chocolate SnackPack last night.  Today, I worked out and drank lots of water (and ate a SnackPack!  Hey, some things don't change...like the healing power of chocolate pudding - especially at only 120 calories!).  


I have to admit, I do always feel better when I'm movin' and groovin'.  So, with that in mind, I have been looking for things to keep me reasonably busy (because for some reason, keeping up with all of these kids all day just isn't enough...) and to help me reach all those pesky, wonderful goals I set for myself.


This week, I started the P90X workout series.  (Sorry, Jillian Michaels, I'm sure I'll be returning to you in time).  My lovely next door neighbor lent the DVDs to me and I have to say - I love it!  I'm doing the "Lean" schedule, for those of you that know anything about the program.  It's just a bit more cardio-heavy, which is what I'm looking for.  Today was arms and shoulders, plus a short "Ab Ripper."  I am going to be feeling it tomorrow!  But, like I said, I love it.  Tomorrow is Yoga (we'll see if Prima will let me out of our morning routine or not.  Maybe I'll be doing double Yoga duty tomorrow).


I also decided to start my myspace music page today.  You can check it out here.  But I'd like it even more if you went and "liked" the facebook page, please!  Niki Ste Croix on FB.  I've put up two songs so far.  They've got long dialogue intros, but have patience, the songs are in there!  


So we've come full circle today, you and I.  While I was having trouble finishing up (or getting going even) writing this post, an entire day passed.  Yes, it has taken me the whole day to get this out there.  Everyone is in bed, and that is where I am headed.   


May you all have a wonderful Thursday and Friday and a beautiful weekend.  I'll try to get a new post up earlier next week.


All love, 


nik*