It's a helluva start

My days seem to just bleed together lately.  I didn't even realize until Sunday that I hadn't posted last week.  School is back in effect for the bigs, full force.  Prima has a slew of clubs, activities, and get togethers that she wants to participate in this year.  Student council, band, chorus, cheering, plays, and on and on.  The list seems endless.  She sounds just like her Mama, I know.  We've had more than one talk about priorities and patience the past few weeks.

"I learned that we can do anything, but we can't do everything...at least not at the same time. So think of your priorities not in terms of what activities you do, but when you do them.  Timing is everything."  -Dan Millman

Secondo is a bit more laid back.  The struggle with him is more how to keep him away from video games and iPods (ie. more video games).  Unfortunately, the little man has been banned from them for a full week.  As well as the computer and the Wii.  Seriously, have you ever told a child to stop playing a video game on the t.v. only to have them automatically go to the computer to play a different game?  Then, when you calmly tell them you didn't mean that they should go to the computer just because you said no Wii, have they ever asked, Well, do you know where the iPod is?  Argh!  So, Sec is currently detoxing from video games.  Not that he was allowed to play them much anyway, but I think he was forgetting that.  


For my part, I am feeling a bit like I've gone 'round the bad side of the cycle again.  I'm still working out and dancing while I make dinner.  However, I cannot seem to get this eating under control.  My mum has been so kind about gently reminding me in the evenings that I'm supposed to be watching what I eat.  Never meanly, though my own guilt makes me sometimes feel snussy about the reminder, no matter how gently she gives it.  


Guilt is a sneaky, tricky thing.  It has its place, of course.  I wouldn't want to behave badly and not feel some sting to tell myself that I have done so.  I am not advocating some mass lack of conscience.  


However, guilt so often binds us up and traps us in the exact behaviors we most detest within ourselves.  An overeater, feeling guilty about eating too much, will do more of the same to soothe the guilt and shame at not having listened to the voice that told them not to do it.  It is a cycle that is all too familiar to me.  


I begin a new regime to lose weight >> I lose some weight (the amount doesn't really matter here) >> I enjoy a sense of accomplishment >> I get complacent (I don't need to work out every day!  I can have just two more itty, bitty cookies) >>  Guilt starts to set in (I really shouldn't have skipped that workout yesterday...I ate over my daily target calories...)  >> Guilt, coupled with shame, snowballs into self-condemnation  (I haven't worked out in a week.  What the hell is wrong with me?  Why do I always do this?  Why do I suck so badly? I am so weak!)  >>  I gain some or all of the weight back  >>  I feel terribly about myself (Well, I'm fat again.  Good job there. I hate being fat) >>  and the cycle starts again.  


But what I'm realizing this time is:  There was never a person the world over that benefited from condemning themselves.  No one can be a happy, healthy person living in a state of constant disapproval of themselves.  

"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection." -Buddha

I have tried.  I have tried living for far too long in a state of self-recrimination for the way I look, for the way I don't look, for the way I exercise or don't exercise, for the way I eat, don't eat, overeat.  I've tried stuffing my inner 'ears' to block out the voice of my conscience.  What a silly idea that is.  Even sillier, I continue to do it, though I know it is silly and will never, ever work.  My conscience only pushes back that much harder to be heard.  So, it all begins again.


So, I'm back here again, saying that I still don't have my (eating) sh*t together.  But, I'm admitting it (AGAIN) and moving on.  Getting rid of the guilt, hopefully, so I can get back to feeling good -- about my progress, and about myself in general.


On a positive note, rehearsals for The Sound of Music have picked up, and the entire experience to date has been wonderful.  I've met a lot of new, kind people.  I've sung beautiful music.  I've helped build sets.  I've worked on some publicity stuff.  Whoo!!  I really had forgotten how very much I loved all aspects of theater.  Being involved in a play just fills a little ache that I'd had for the past ten years.  It's a wonderful, soothing feeling to be doing something I love a few hours a week again.  

"It's a helluva start, being able to recognize what makes you happy." -Lucille Ball

Ahhhh.  I feel much better ending on that note.  I feel uplifted and blessed, just remembering that I've got a wonderful family, fantastic kids, lovely friends, and something to look forward to every week.  


It can be so easy to focus on the negatives.  Better to concentrate on what's right in front of me -- on all this good that surrounds me, just there for the taking, just waiting for me to appreciate it.  


So, I didn't eat the way I should have this week.  I made it a little more difficult for myself to reach my weight loss goal.  But, I did make some new connections with some great people.  


So, I didn't work out every day.  But, I did have some wonderful playtime with Terza and Quarto.  


Overall, it was a good two weeks, no matter what that Guilt would have me think to myself, or about myself.  Shut it, Guilt.  I got the message.  Now, get out.  You're not living here any more.  

"Optimism is the faith that leads to achievement. Nothing can be done without hope and confidence."  -Helen Keller

So, have a wonderful rest of your week, lovelies.  I wish you all the best.  

And now these three remain: faith, hope, and love.  But the greatest of these is love.  1Corinthians 13:13 (NIV)

all love, 


nik*