The past few weeks have been CRAP.

Yes, I said it.  The past few weeks have been filled with CRAP - Complacency, Rationalizations, Avoidance, and  Procrastination (I love a good acronym, don't you?).  


Subsequently, I've gained a few pounds back.  Stepping on the scale this morning, I weighed 179.4 lbs.  Well, no thank you!  I refuse to be 180 lbs again.  So, thank you, scale, for giving me a sharp kick in the *ss.  (I might also add, to that bum in question, We've thrown away all of our "Big Girl" clothes.  Unless you want to be strutting your over-sized stuff in the nude, you'd better get back on track!).


I've read that it can take six weeks or more to integrate a new behavior into your regular routine.  Somehow, I pushed through the six weeks, all the way to maybe 10 weeks even.  Then, old habits came creeping back in.  (see CRAP above).  


Of course, that got me to thinking today.  What the heck went wrong?  I mean, I know what I started doing, how I started doing it...but not why?  WHY did I start making excuses for myself?  WHY did I stop listening to that new, clear voice (especially when I knew without a doubt that it was right)?  WHY did I continuously put off exercising?  WHY did I stop doing all of the things that were making me feel so good?  

"No one is in control of your happiness but you; therefore, you have the power to change anything about yourself or your life that you want to change."  -Barbara de Angelis

The old me - the one that's been creeping back in slowly but surely - reads that quote and thinks:  yeah, well, I am fully capable (and inclined) to sabotage that happiness, to imagine myself as powerless and unable to maintain any positive changes long-term.   


Well, that's a load of CRAP.  


Now, none of this is new.  Not within the world at large, or even within the posts of this blog.  My first inclination is to apologize for this repetition.  I mean, maybe no one wants to read week after week that I'm struggling.  But it occurs to me that there may be those that do.  Those people that are having the same back-and-forth struggle, year to year, week to week, day to day, minute to minute, that I am.  


So, how do we deal with the WHY?  I've come up with a plan for myself, because I think I know what my biggest weakness has been recently - my ability to lie to myself and ignore my own advice.


With that in mind, I've decided that I'm going to start posting every day.  Big Thursdays will continue, with a long, meandering post like the previous posts you've come to know and (hopefully) enjoy.  During the rest of the week, I'm going to mini-post, telling all of you whether or not I've exercised and what my eating was like for the day.  It's all about accountability.  Let's face it, no one sees whether I log my cals on myfooddiary (which, honestly, I haven't done in weeks, though I continue to pay for the service.  I'd like to actually get my money's worth, so this is also an attempt to get me logging on the site again as well).  Just relying on myself is not working out right now.  I need a motivational boost.  So, for the next six weeks, that's my goal.  Six weeks to reintegrate healthy behaviors, whether I like it or not. 


Of course, there are many good things happening for me at the moment as well.  The play is a constant source of fun and happiness.  My parents continue to be unceasingly supportive.  The kiddos are all doing fabulously.  Prima has started saxophone with the school band and cheerleading (both of which she's really loving); Sec had his first basketball practice last night (and the most adorable attempted set of jumping jacks EVER); Terza has started singing and really pretending (the awesomest milestone to witness in any child, in my opinion); Quarto is full-out crawling now.  So many big changes for these babies of mine.  It's an especially amazing time to be their mum.  


So, not all is lost (there's a poundage joke there, but let's move on...).  Happiness abounds.  Occasionally, I even remember to stop and enjoy it. 

"Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today.  I can choose which it shall be.  Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet.  I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it."  --Groucho Marx

So, happy rest of your weeks, loves.  Here's hoping you (and I!) stay on track and remember to enjoy each day for the miraculous gift it is.


all love, 
nik*