I'm back, baby!

Well, I told you that I couldn't wait to come back this week and be able to say it.  Now, I have, but let me just do it again (because it feels so very good):  I'm back, baby.


I am full swing back into P90X.  Seriously, I'm not sure how many times I can say it, but I feel so much better when I'm working out regularly.  Firstly, I don't feel guilty all day because I'm not doing what I know I should be.  Secondly, I feel energized after a workout, not all lumpy on the couch.  Thirdly, it helps me get to sleep faster at night (though, Quarto still isn't helping with letting me STAY asleep).  

I have also been trying to log what I'm eating -- even when it isn't pretty.  Like my chocolate binge of last night.  Now, let me say that I had only 1/2 cup of low-fat chocolate ice cream and one TBS of Hershey's chocolate syrup.  Not so bad.  However, I then topped it off by eating 2 Kashi Oatmeal and Dark Chocolate cookies.  (Those babies pack 130 calories each!).  Ouch.  So, yesterday, even though I worked my butt off, I still went about 350 calories over my goal.  Sigh.  Might as well come clean about it, though.  No sense in pretending like I didn't do it.  That mentality just lends to feeling guilty and eating to soothe the pain.  And so on, and so forth, in the vicious cycle of my eating life...


So, no fibs.  I ate too much.  I am still working on it.  Wowzers, at least I can say, it's the "healthiest" binge of which I've ever partaken.  My sodium, saturated fat, and other levels were all really decent for the day.  So, there, I've given myself a bright side.  Also, I did reach another milestone this week, which felt great.  I finally hit over 25 lbs lost.  Sa-weet.  I may have to change my name to Mama Brightside.  Well, maybe not.  


Anyway, as of this morning, I'm weighing in at 174.2 lbs.  Pretty decent.  Though, thanks to a BMI calculator, I see that I am still technically obese.  Blerg.  5.2 lbs until I am officially just "overwieght" and not "obese."  I think it is a wonderful new short term goal.  


So, I've got my eye on the "overweight" prize.  

very important work

In other MamaNikiNews (feel free to roll your eyes at that...I am), I am definitely enjoying this back to school season.  Having Prima and Secondo at school for a large chunk of the day is extremely helpful.  I get to spend more one-on-one time with the littles.  The day's schedule is a little less hectic (minus those early morning battles that have resumed full force).  Apparently, having a routine isn't just soothing for babies and small children, but for mommies as well.




Terza and I find lots of ways to fill our time.  Like, I clean up and she makes a mess behind me.  This is our Circle of Life.  On any given day, I will get her when she wakes and change her bum.  While I'm throwing away the dirty diaper and getting her clothes for the day, she will be pulling out three toys and yelling for Hi-5 (an obnoxious TLC kids' show from the 90s that Terza loves to have as background noise).  So, while I am putting on the DVD, she is yelling for a cuppa (her cup, not the British term for tea).  So, I ask her to wait, and get some clothes on her.  I bring her dirty pjs to the kitchen hamper and proceed to get her some milk.  Now, while I'm getting the milk, she's dragging the hamper with the dirty clothes into the living room, unloading the dirty clothes on the way.  I lay out her nigh-nigh (a small quilt that she likes to sit on in the living room), give her the cup (and a small bowl of Kix or some other cereal - because I know she's just waiting to tell me that she's hungry) and start picking up clothes and toys.  Just as I've gotten them put away, I look up to see that the Kix have replaced the toys and clothes on the living room floor.  Time to break out the vacuum.  While I'm vacuuming, I notice that she has taken six pairs of shoes out of the front hall closet...and so on and on and on.  Plus, though much less demanding and taking more naps (thank goodness), Quarto is also mixing it up all morning.  


People often ask me "what I do for work."  I almost always answer, Nothing, just babies. I feel like being a stay-at-home mum isn't legit enough (and that was before I lived with my parents and was staring down the barrel of divorce No. 2). 


So, that's another goal that has been on my mind lately.  How do I get comfortable with just being me?  Not the me I wish I was.  As I've said here before, I've got lots of ideas about what I'd like to be.  I'm moving toward many of those aspirations, and plan on continuing that way.  But, what about now?  This period of mildly mortifying transition?  I've got to get okay with saying, I'm getting divorced for the second time, without looking around in a shamefaced way, not wanting to make eye contact with my companions.  I've got to learn how to say, I'm a stay-at-home mom, with enthusiasm, instead of a list of reasons why, really, it makes sense financially and I don't really have a college degree to fall back on right now, and I couldn't ask my parents to watch the kiddos even MORE than they already do, and this, and that - until I've excused myself to death.  All of those things are true.  I don't have a college degree, my parents do already watch the babies a lot, child care is extremely expensive.  What is also true is that I love staying home with the babies.  I can't think of any job that I would prefer over being here with them.  I don't want someone else to tell me about Quarto taking his forays into crawling, or Terza stacking her blocks in a tower taller than herself.  I am lucky that I have had the opportunity to be home with all of them when they were babies and toddlers.  I wouldn't change it for the world.  


So, what's holding me back from expressing that enthusiasm?  I already said it.  I don't feel LEGITIMATE. Sometimes I feel like FAIL is tattooed across my forehead.  


Well, enough of the negativity.  I'm actually having a bit of a laugh right now, because I didn't realize just how strongly I felt until I started writing about it.  I remembered at least three separate instances within the last month or so when this situation has arisen.  With an old friend on Facebook, with a second cousin I hadn't seen in a decade at a small get-together, and with the cast of The Sound of Music.  Totally different scenarios, but the same feeling each time.  


So, what am I going to do about it?  Well, I'm going to think about it and get back to you next week.  That's what.  

ready to bring it

In the mean time, I'm going to just keep reminding myself that I'm a work-in-progress. I've got to love the journey, not just the destination.  Mmmm, maybe I don't need to think about it that much after all...


Have a wonderful rest of your week, lovelies.  


all love, 


nik*