If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times...

Make your bed...


Pick up the dirty clothes from your floor...


Stop picking your nose...


Stop fighting with your brother...


Don't yell at your sister...


That's it, don't even look at eachother...


It never fails.  Over the course of a week, I will repeat these (and many more) admonitions until I'm ready to pull my hair out.  Sheesh, over the course of one day, I will repeat them! 


Though my children - and I'm talking about the big kids here, not the toddler - have been reminded, reproved, rebuked, and restricted, they persist in not making those beds, giving me an attitude about it, and getting themselves into trouble.  Even as I'm saying to them, you are going to get into trouble if you persist, they PERSIST!  


So, I find myself wondering, what the *beep*?!  Don't these kids ever learn?!


If their room needed to be clean yesterday, and the day before, and the day before that, and so on, they should realize it needs to be clean today.  If I didn't want them to go hide in the bathroom during after-dinner-clean-up yesterday, chances are it's going to annoy me tonight just as much.  Well, no, actually, it's going to annoy me more...much more.


So, last week, when I was at the end of my rope, ready to ground the next child who rolled their eyes for all eternity, I realized something.  I'm not any better.  Thirty years old and I still don't learn my lessons very well.


Now, I'm not going to go running around announcing that to these kiddos.  Not even close, bud.  


But, it's the truth.  


In my first marriage, I lost most of my own identity.  I didn't do the things I loved any more.  I never sang, not even while I was doing the dishes.  I just kind of shut down and became a Mom and a Wife and that was it.  


I visited an aunt and uncle toward the end of that marriage and the strangest thing happened.  My aunt asked me what was going on with us.  I went into a long ramble about all the plans Uno had, school, work, whatever.  She looked at me and asked, "Well, what about you?"  My answer?  "I'm sort of back-burnered right now."


I went home that night and wrote in my journal for the first time in months.  "Back-burnered?"  What was worse, that it was true or that I'd let it happen or, maybe, that there had never been a time when I hadn't been on that damn back-burner?  Or, maybe, the worst was that, it was true, I had let it happen, it was a pattern, AND I had admitted it non-chalantly.  Like it was no big deal. 


"Like" is the key word there, because it *was* a big deal.  To me, at least.  I wanted so many things out of life, out of myself, and I had let them slip through my fingers. 


When that marriage ended, I swore - Never Again!  I might have stuck it on my bumper had I found it in sticker form.


By that time, I barely spoke to my own friends. I rarely saw my family. I had stopped listening to a lot of the music only I liked, watched mostly movies and shows that he liked. It wasn't a conscious decision. It had just gradually happened, like I was silly putty pressed against a cartoon strip. Pulled away from Uno, I wasn't really me.  I just had an image super-imposed upon myself. 


It took me a while to reconnect with what it meant to just be me.  What did I really like?  What did I want to read?  And so on...


Well, Never Again! didn't really work out.  I mean, I kept all my own likes and adopted only those of my second husband's (from here on out, he'll be 'Dos.'  Man, am I lame with these pseudonyms, or what?) that I also enjoyed.  I was much better about stating my likes and dislikes and sticking to my guns in that arena.  If I didn't like a band, I said so.  If I liked a movie that he didn't, I stuck by my own opinion.  Not obnoxiously (though you'd have to check with him really, on that score, I guess), but like any other normal person. 


Unfortunately, I ignored all the rest of it.  I became totally wrapped up in being a Wife and Mom again.  (Which is not a bad thing, if you can keep a balance.  Don't get me wrong.  I believe that wives and moms should be totally "in it."  They just need to have other things that are their own, right?  Right.  Good, I'm glad we agree...). 


So, the pattern started back up again.  I started seeing less and less of my own friends and adopted his circle of friends as my own.  I didn't go out, because surely the whole family would self-destruct without my presence.  When I did try to branch out (ie. going back to school), I let it be derailed over and over again.  I put all of my family's wants and needs ahead of my own, but especially my husband's.  I started gaining weight like it was my job... 


Now, I'm not saying this to form some kind of virtual pity party.  It's the truth.  I tend to lose my own identity in relationships, for whatever reasons.  Part of it is this deep-seated need within myself to have everyone like me.  Even people I don't particularly like.  Also, I like feeling needed.  (I Want You to Want Me is playing in my head right now).  Another bit of it is, I don't like to be mean.  I don't like for people to even think I'm being mean.  I don't like for people to be angry with me.  I don't like to have big confrontations.


One of Dos' biggest complaints about me, and it's true, is that I tend to shut down in an argument. 


We're not talking about, Hey, why did you leave this wet towel on top of the clean clothes?! kind of arguments.  No, the kind of arguments that come at the end of a disintegrating relationship, or the whoppers that accumulate over the years that lead to the disintegration.  During those, I wrap silence around myself like a comforting blanket and burrow into it.  It takes quite a bit of effort to peel that blanket back, too.  I've either got to be seeing-red angry or hysterical, neither of which lends themselves to a productive "disagreement." 


Come to think of it, maybe I learned one lesson too well.  If you haven't got anything nice to say...


"You know, just because you meet someone and like them, it doesn't mean you have to marry them."  Thanks, Mum, for that one. She gave me this helpful reminder the other day. You see, I married Uno after six months of dating and Dos after a year of dating.  (Just in case you're wondering, no. No, I was not pregnant either time.).  So, there's another lesson to learn.  Give it some time.  Like, a LOOOOOONG time.  (Although, if you remember, this is a moot point.  I'm never having a relationship again... --"Yeah right," says my mum, bless her heart.).


Relationships aside, there are other lessons I can't seem to learn.  Here's a short list:


- I cannot keep control of my finances. Which leads to...


- I have too much debt, which I continue to accumulate in the form of past due bills and unpaid medical expenses...


- I don't take care of my car.  I never remember to get a tune-up.  The oil light stays on too long.  It needs a wash and a vacuuming, badly.  It just had to have about $1,500 worth of work because I don't get regular maintenance done to it.


- I am constantly late.  You'd think that (like the kids' beds), if I realize that  I always run about a half hour late for my appointments and get-togethers, I would just plan to get ready a half hour earlier.  But I never do...


and the biggest one:


- I've never been able to lose weight *and* keep it off.


I've stated before that there have been times when I lost a remarkable amount of weight, but it always comes creeping back. 


My mum and my best friend would tend to be kind and say, You've had four kids.  It's true, I have, and they are sweet for pointing to that as the cause for my weight gain.  But that's not why I get progressively bigger.  The reason for that, lovelies, is I like to eat whatever I want, whenever I want, and as much of it as I want.  It's a battle between my heart and my head. 


My head says, Hey, I'm just trying to help out our hips!  Have a heart, heart.  For the love of God, ease up on the bacon, and the chocolate, and the french fries, and the...everything! 


My heart answers with, I'm sad, leave me alone!  I'll eat what I like and I'll like what I eat.  Until tomorrow.  When I'll hate what I ate and feel sad about that, too.  Until more food makes me feel better...


If I've heard it once, I've heard it a thousand times.  Whole grains, proper portion sizes, it's not a diet, it's relearning how to eat, get active, don't eat your emotions...


I definitely have a surplus of knowledge about what I'm supposed to do to get healthy.  I've been reading up on the subject for years.  Since high school really.  I just never LEARN MY LESSON!


But then, I've never taken such a leap into public accountability, either.  I've always clung to the notion that telling people I was trying to lose weight would detract from the process.  Cheapen it, or some b.s. like that.  Because it IS b.s., pure and simple.  I didn't want anyone to know, because if it didn't work out the way I had hoped, I'd feel like even more of a failure! 


Well, for goodness' sake, I wasn't exactly feeling like a success anyway!  So, I'm trying the accountable approach this time.  Maybe I've finally learned my lesson...


(and maybe there's hope that tomorrow, the kids' beds will be made when I walk by their room...).


All love,


nik*

Shred, shred, shred

Mondays seem to be the day of the week when I am able to post...


Well, this past week turned out pretty well.  After this morning's weigh-in, I am 187.2 lbs.  (12.8 total lbs lost, for those keeping track).  Wahoo! 


I decided on the 30-Day Shred, Jillian Michaels, DVD.  I've been doing it 5 days on, 2 days off (pretty much giving myself the weekends to do other things...and, truthfully, to avoid looking foolish by working out in the living room while everyone is home.  I mean, I cannot be the only person who is embarrassed to work out in front of other people, right?  Is there anything worse than realizing that your arms - or God forbid, your thighs - are making a flapping noise as you're doing jumping jacks with an audience?!  Maybe some day I will get over this body-noise phobia.  Until then, I'll work out on weekdays when I've got the living room to myself!).


The workout is intense for this out-of-shape girl, but I'm noticing results already.  I've also bumped myself up to Level 2.  (There are three levels, three being the most challenging.  I think I'll be hanging out at Level 2 for a while.  Also, still doing the low-impact modifications where they apply.  My knees are not what they should be.  But, as with everything else, I'm workin' on it.). 


As I was saying, results!  Aside from weight loss - which does seem to be evening out, as I knew it would - I am tracking inches lost as well.  In the past three weeks, I've lost many inches, 3.3" around my waist, 1.5" around my hips, etc etc. and that feels pretty fantastic.  My shirts are certainly much looser (or loose at all!)... and, drum roll please, those damn size 16 jeans?  Those stare-me-downs in my closet?  The evil pants that refused to even consider zipping?  


I can wear them, comfortably!  I mean, no "sucking it in," no squeezing, no "muffin top."  They just FIT.  :D


Also, unexpectedly, I may be dealing with the smoking issue sooner rather than later.  I've been feeling lousy this weekend, got a killer chest cold.  So, I haven't had a cigarette since Friday morning.  Well, I say to my other self (the one that fiendishly longs for a cigarette, even when I'm taking my inhaler every few hours), why don't we just keep going?  Let's say, GET LOST! to the tricky bastards and go chew some gum or something.  Auditions are coming... 


It's the looming auditions that really get the point across, lol.  Forget feeling lousy, or not being able to breathe.  I need to be able to sing!  :P 


Sigh.  Whatever gets the job done, I guess.  Does anyone else feel like their constantly battling *themselves* along with everything else?


Well, there's one great win, at least.  I won the battle of the jeans.  Plus, a possible win over the cigarettes.  Now, off to buy a pair of 14s and some gum!


All love,


n*

...and the days go by...

So, it's another Monday, which means another Monday morning.  Always the most difficult morning of the week. 


The big kids have so much trouble getting their act together on Monday mornings.  You'd think I would remember that week after week, and have them lay their school clothes out the morning before.  Or pre-pack their snacks.  Or locate their sneakers under their beds.  Something. 


However, week after week, it is a constant chorus of, "Get ready! You're going to be late!  Get dressed!  Find your shoes! Brush your teeth! You only have 30 more minutes! Why are you sitting here picking at your toes?!  If you're going to stare in the mirror, could you at least brush your hair?!  You only have 25 minutes to get to the bus stop!"  With the time left all-too-quickly ticking by.


I really thought they would be late for the bus this particular morning.  Thank goodness the baby slept through most of it! 


Still pretty on track with exercising and eating, though little things are cropping up here and there.  Like, eating late LATE at night.  Ugh. 


I can't help it.  Well, I probably *can* help it, but my will power is not what it could be at 2 am.  Why am I up at 2 am eating that half a piece of chocolate cake I was eyeing and denying all day?  Nighttime baby feedings!  Only now, it's becoming nighttime baby AND mommy feedings.  Sigh.  I will get over this hurdle.  Maybe before I go to bed, I'll hide everything yummy (and therefore evil) from the counter where I make his bottles....


While I'm at it, maybe I'll remember to find those kids' shoes...


Have a wonderful week!
All love,


nik*

I can be goal oriented...right?

Well, it's Monday morning and I'm feeling pretty terrific today.  What was shaping up to be an incredibly crummy day has come 'round full circle.  Who could have known that that torture device called a "scale" would actually bring me joy?

As of 10 o'clock this morning, I am weighing in at 192.6 lbs. (I would also never have predicted that being this weight would bring me a sense of relief and accomplishment.  All things are relative, yes?  Yes!). 

So, for those that are mathematically challenged, as am I, that is a 7.4 lb weight loss since 5/26.  Holy cow.  Wowza.  Woot woot. 

Now, all tooting of my own horn gotten through, let's talk turkey...and boneless, skinless chicken breast...and brown rice...  ;)

I mentioned in the first post that I've got some goals in mind already.  Here they are, a list of groove-getting-back maneuvers :

1.  Join myfooddiary.com and start logging in just what it is that I am putting in my mouth -- and essentially gluing to my hips and stomach. 

Well, this bit is done and done.  I have logged in every conceivable calorie for the past week.  I entered a goal of losing about 2 lbs per week and I've really tried to come as close as possible to my daily allotment of calories without going over.  Of course, mishaps do occur -- like Saturday night's BBQ chicken pizza with friends.  But, overall, it has made me much more conscious of what I eat.  I actually stop and think, hey, lady, do you really want to eat 5 cookies right now?  Do you have any idea what that's going to do to our MFD report?

I've noticed this tendency to "talk to myself" like I'm two different people lately.  Which really, at the moment, I am.  I am the old me, who wants to eat whatever she likes and feel badly about it at some point down the road.  But, I'm also this new person, who is sick to DEATH of that mentality.  Screw you, she says, look where that attitude has gotten us!  Thanks, but I'll take over for a while.  And by the way, I'm commandeering that exercising business, too. 

Which brings us to...

2.  Get a-movin' and a-shakin'. 

So far so good here, too (though my knees offer a protest now and then!). 

There's the regular, good ol' stuff.  Taking walks with the little ones in the double stroller.  Playing hopscotch out front with the big kids.  Dancing along to music in the kitchen while I make dinner.  lol.  Yes, I do that quite often.  It's only slightly less embarrassing than dancing along to Pre-K television shows.  Luckily, there are more structured methods to my exercising madness...

Back when I got divorced from my first husband (known from here on out as Uno), I bought the Turbo Jam exercise DVDs.  I liked them a lot and they were pretty effective.  I went through my boxed up DVDs and, viola!, there they were.  I will be starting out with these again, probably today. 

I've also recruited my friends and family this time around.  Accountability abounds.  But, then, so does support.  One kind friend has offered to let me borrow his Wii Fit.  Definitely excited to try it out.  I'll update on that as soon as it surfaces.  My best friend dropped off 30 Day Shred, an offering from Jillian Michaels (one of the trainers from The Biggest Loser, I think.  I've never actually watched the show).  Also excited to try that one out.  Maybe today, or tomorrow. We'll see which wins, Jam or Shred. :)

Last, but certainly not least, my mother "signed over" her gym membership to me.  PiYo and Zumba, here I come!  My sister wants to come with me and my mother has offered to watch the kiddos.  We'll see on Wednesday. 

3.  I've got to quit smoking.  Sigh.  It's true.  I've taken up smoking again, full force.  Life has been stressful, but that's a terrible excuse.  It's more that I've been lazy about staying away from a bad habit.  I stopped smoking for years, only to come back to it because it feels comforting.  However, my lungs would disagree.  They are definitely in protest mode, as the count on my inhaler would plainly show.  So, no plan of attack for that...it's just hovering as a problem I've acknowledged, but have not begun to fight back yet.  For the time being, that is where it will stay.

However, it does affect my next goal...

4.  Re-harness my creativity and have something to show for it.  (ie. See if the title of "Renaissance Woman" is truly unattainable).

There is a group nearby that is holding auditions for The Sound of Music at the end of summer.  Well, the hills are alive with the sound of music, and so am I!  After a 10 year hiatus from all things theater, I am finally going to listen to that voice that has been screaming, I miss this!

Fingers crossed, please, that I get a part, even if it's Nun #3. ;)

Then there is my songwriting.  I cringe even typing that line; it sounds so ridiculous.  But, I'm determined (ridiculous or not) to give it a go.  I've been writing for months now and, some time in the future, I am going to record them on my little sister's FLIP and post them to youtube. 

Well, that's a little vague, isn't it?  I'm supposed to be working on goals that are acheivable, so let's give that a date.  By November (and my 31st birthday) or before, I will have at least five songs up.  There.  Done.  Goal set.  Yay me.

I'm also going to submit one story a month for consideration at a few lit mags.  I've submitted to GlitterTrain already, twice, but they are not loving me.  lol.  So, on to a few other places.  Cross your other fingers for me to be published?  Thanks a bunch!

So, that's the plan in a nutshell the size of TX.  At least for now.

Here's to wearing shoes with no laces and keeping my fingers crossed,
all love,

nik*

Life does not end at 30 -- or so my mother says...

Well butt, you've finally done it; you can't even squeeze into the largest pair of jeans we've ever owned. 

That's how it all started.  Wait, no.  This is an introduction between you and me, right?  We'd better make it good.  Let's back up to how it *really* all started. 

I lost the genetics lottery at some point during gestation.  Somewhere in my DNA is imprinted the unfortunate trait to gain weight if I so much as smell a food that tastes like heaven...

But, now, we've probably gone too far.  Let's just fast forward through the adorable pudgy toddler years, fast-er forward through the considerably less adorable pudgy adolescent years, lightspeed forward through my yo-yoing teen and young adult years (though there was a time during my sophomore year of college, before I dropped out to get married, when I weighed 140 lbs.  That's the smallest I've ever been in my "adult" life.  It feels like it doesn't count though, as I pretty much never ate.  All my money was going to cigarettes and Coke...as in soda). 

So, speed through all of that, right up to -- STOP!

2006

I'd had two kiddos by then and I was weighing in somewhere around 180 lbs.  That is the year I separated from my first husband.  We'd been married for just over 5 years.  I won't get into the particulars of that separation, and subsequent divorce, here.  Let's just say, we were young (married at 19) and stupid (married at 19!) and married life did not work well between us.  Suffice to say, those five years were a mess. 

I high-tailed it to my parent's house to recover, a four- and a two-year-old in tow.  After a few months of muddling through my day to day, avoiding looking in the mirror for fear of the overweight stranger I would see, I started exercising - regularly - for the first time in my life.  I walked every day, pushing those kiddos in a double stroller for an hour or two, even when it was 90 degrees and humid as all get out, listening to a playlist of songs designed to help motivate me out of my post-divorce funk (think, Kelly Clarkson's Since You Been Gone and Whitesnake's Here I Go Again).  Then, I started popping in an exercise DVD when I got home from the walk. 

I'd never been so committed to an exercie regimen.  Imagine my surprise when it started effecting what I ate during the day!  I no longer wanted to eat a handful of cookies in the middle of the day.  No way!  I'd just busted my butt to get rid of those calories!  Heaven in my mouth or not, I wasn't throwing away all that effort!  I became very strict in my eating habits, essentially eating the same breakfast and lunch every day.  Boring, but effective.

And, over the course of a year and a half, that effort showed...

That's when I met my current husband.  We met on match.com.  We fell crazy in love.  We called each other "lovin," and never our actual names.  We threw caution to the wind and got married a year later - on the exact date of his first message to me. 

It was my fondest dream come true.  Finally, fate had acquiesced and turned the movie of my life into the Romantic Comedy I'd always secretly wanted it to be.

And as I fell more in love with him, I fell out of love with paying attention to what I ate.  I wanted to spend time with him, not exercising for hours. And let's not kid ourselves, I was with someone again, not trying to catch someone's eye, right?  You never work as hard when you feel secure ...and the inevitable inflation began. 

Get out that remote again -- it's time to fast forward to the next chapter.

Approximately three months ago, another separation, two more kiddos, and 200 lbs. later.  You may be asking yourself, what happened?  Well, so am I.

The first year and a half were fantastic.  Then, the middle year, not as fabulous but livable.  The last year or so, unbearable.  Hence, this separation.  This disintergration of another marriage was absolutely devastating for me.  My feelings for my husband (they change daily -- or more acurately, minute to minute) aside, this is my second failed marriage.  It's difficult to come to terms with that.  To live with it daily. 

And yet, live on I do, with my kids in my parents' home.  Three adults (my mother, father, and I) and five children (my 13-year-old sister -- please don't tell her I called her a child, my two daughters - aged 9 and almost 2, and my two sons - aged 7 and about 8 weeks) all under one roof.  It's crazy, but it works.  For now...

So, now you are up-to-date.  If you're still reading this, Bravo!  You've really gone the distance with this first post.  If you're not, well, why am I talking to you?  You're not here anyway...

So, patient reader, what's the point, eh?

The point is, I've got to find my rhythm somehow.  Pick up the beat I used to march to when I was just...me.  Not someone's wife, not just these kiddos' mum.  I used to have aspirations, hopes, dreams, a set path...

Yet, somehow, *again* I've lost it.  I am none of the things I thought I would be - and many things I thought I never would.  I thought I would be an actress, or an artist, or a singer, or a writer...well, I suppose I thought I'd be all of them, a real Renaissance Woman.  I thought I would have gotten my eating/exercising under control - and kept it there!  I thought I would fall in love with and marry the man (okay, at one time I would have replaced that with "woman") of my dreams, have some awesome babies that we would raise together, and live happily ever after.  Basically, I hoped I would have my sh*t together!

Unfortunately, wishes and hopes are delicate things, and I have not been a mindful caretaker of mine.  The only bit I have been able to acheive is the awesome babies, but even that has pitfalls.  The rewards far outweigh the costs, but there are costs.  As any parent knows, your time is no longer your own.  There are tantrums, boundary testing, sibling smackdowns, messes, and wake-up calls for midnight vomitting, early bird awakenings, and two-hour interval feedings.  On the flip side, there are just as many instances where they just want your time, but in a positive way:  Look at this picture I drew, Can I have a snack?, I need help with my homework, Outside! Outside!... either way, it's every day, all day.  And I wouldn't change it for anything.  I couldn't imagine my life without them. 

However, I need to find some balance. I need to be their mum and ME.  Whoever that person is. 

As of a week ago, I was clocking in at a rotund 200 lbs. at 5'3.  Ugh!  Those jeans in my closet, the size 16s that my butt refuses to squeeze into, are staring me down -- and I refuse to let them win.  I have no career of which to speak.  I've never lived on my own. I'm raising four kiddos with no partner (but a wonderful family who provide daily support), and I'm pretty sure I'll never believe in romantic love again.  Okay, "never" is a strong word but, two failed marriages later, I'm feeling pretty strongly...

So, the point my friends (bless your hearts for continuing to read this meandering trip down unwanted-memory lane), is this: I'm writing to make myself feel better.  I've got some goals in mind already, but I'll save that for another post. 

If you'd like to join me while I try "Starting Over," I welcome the company. 

All "unromantic" love, :)
nik*