I found this little make-your-own-ticker site today. Fun times. Let the countdown begin!
Day 1 went pretty well.
I worked out for one hour (The New York City Ballet Workout. Fun, strenuous, and worth getting from Netflix). I decided to try this one out for today, because I want to start Monday, fast and furious, back on the P90X schedule.
Eating -- I logged like it was my job. (Even ridiculous things, like the single Triscuit Thin I ate without thinking when I was putting the box my sister left out away or the three maraschino cherries I stole from the jar early this morning, sigh). So, I didn't make tremendously wonderful choices today, but I managed to only consume 1,481 calories. (279 of which I burned off with all the ballet according to my handy dandy SportLine heart monitor). So, only 2 cals over my goal for the day.
I'm trying to drink one more bottle (750 mL) of water before bed, since I haven't quite had enough today. I'm also thinking about going for a run once the babies are in bed. Couch25K is calling my name. But will I still be ready to go in an hour? I'll tell you tomorrow.
all love,
nik*
UPDATE: I drank that water and I went for the C25K. :)
Yes, I said it. The past few weeks have been filled with CRAP - Complacency, Rationalizations, Avoidance, and Procrastination (I love a good acronym, don't you?).
Subsequently, I've gained a few pounds back. Stepping on the scale this morning, I weighed 179.4 lbs. Well, no thank you! I refuse to be 180 lbs again. So, thank you, scale, for giving me a sharp kick in the *ss. (I might also add, to that bum in question, We've thrown away all of our "Big Girl" clothes. Unless you want to be strutting your over-sized stuff in the nude, you'd better get back on track!).
I've read that it can take six weeks or more to integrate a new behavior into your regular routine. Somehow, I pushed through the six weeks, all the way to maybe 10 weeks even. Then, old habits came creeping back in. (see CRAP above).
Of course, that got me to thinking today. What the heck went wrong? I mean, I know what I started doing, how I started doing it...but not why? WHY did I start making excuses for myself? WHY did I stop listening to that new, clear voice (especially when I knew without a doubt that it was right)? WHY did I continuously put off exercising? WHY did I stop doing all of the things that were making me feel so good?
"No one is in control of your happiness but you; therefore, you have the power to change anything about yourself or your life that you want to change." -Barbara de Angelis
The old me - the one that's been creeping back in slowly but surely - reads that quote and thinks: yeah, well, I am fully capable (and inclined) to sabotage that happiness, to imagine myself as powerless and unable to maintain any positive changes long-term.
Well, that's a load of CRAP.
Now, none of this is new. Not within the world at large, or even within the posts of this blog. My first inclination is to apologize for this repetition. I mean, maybe no one wants to read week after week that I'm struggling. But it occurs to me that there may be those that do. Those people that are having the same back-and-forth struggle, year to year, week to week, day to day, minute to minute, that I am.
So, how do we deal with the WHY? I've come up with a plan for myself, because I think I know what my biggest weakness has been recently - my ability to lie to myself and ignore my own advice.
With that in mind, I've decided that I'm going to start posting every day. Big Thursdays will continue, with a long, meandering post like the previous posts you've come to know and (hopefully) enjoy. During the rest of the week, I'm going to mini-post, telling all of you whether or not I've exercised and what my eating was like for the day. It's all about accountability. Let's face it, no one sees whether I log my cals on myfooddiary (which, honestly, I haven't done in weeks, though I continue to pay for the service. I'd like to actually get my money's worth, so this is also an attempt to get me logging on the site again as well). Just relying on myself is not working out right now. I need a motivational boost. So, for the next six weeks, that's my goal. Six weeks to reintegrate healthy behaviors, whether I like it or not.
Of course, there are many good things happening for me at the moment as well. The play is a constant source of fun and happiness. My parents continue to be unceasingly supportive. The kiddos are all doing fabulously. Prima has started saxophone with the school band and cheerleading (both of which she's really loving); Sec had his first basketball practice last night (and the most adorable attempted set of jumping jacks EVER); Terza has started singing and really pretending (the awesomest milestone to witness in any child, in my opinion); Quarto is full-out crawling now. So many big changes for these babies of mine. It's an especially amazing time to be their mum.
So, not all is lost (there's a poundage joke there, but let's move on...). Happiness abounds. Occasionally, I even remember to stop and enjoy it.
"Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it." --Groucho Marx
So, happy rest of your weeks, loves. Here's hoping you (and I!) stay on track and remember to enjoy each day for the miraculous gift it is.
all love,
nik*
My days seem to just bleed together lately. I didn't even realize until Sunday that I hadn't posted last week. School is back in effect for the bigs, full force. Prima has a slew of clubs, activities, and get togethers that she wants to participate in this year. Student council, band, chorus, cheering, plays, and on and on. The list seems endless. She sounds just like her Mama, I know. We've had more than one talk about priorities and patience the past few weeks.
"I learned that we can do anything, but we can't do everything...at least not at the same time. So think of your priorities not in terms of what activities you do, but when you do them. Timing is everything." -Dan Millman
Secondo is a bit more laid back. The struggle with him is more how to keep him away from video games and iPods (ie. more video games). Unfortunately, the little man has been banned from them for a full week. As well as the computer and the Wii. Seriously, have you ever told a child to stop playing a video game on the t.v. only to have them automatically go to the computer to play a different game? Then, when you calmly tell them you didn't mean that they should go to the computer just because you said no Wii, have they ever asked, Well, do you know where the iPod is? Argh! So, Sec is currently detoxing from video games. Not that he was allowed to play them much anyway, but I think he was forgetting that.
For my part, I am feeling a bit like I've gone 'round the bad side of the cycle again. I'm still working out and dancing while I make dinner. However, I cannot seem to get this eating under control. My mum has been so kind about gently reminding me in the evenings that I'm supposed to be watching what I eat. Never meanly, though my own guilt makes me sometimes feel snussy about the reminder, no matter how gently she gives it.
Guilt is a sneaky, tricky thing. It has its place, of course. I wouldn't want to behave badly and not feel some sting to tell myself that I have done so. I am not advocating some mass lack of conscience.
However, guilt so often binds us up and traps us in the exact behaviors we most detest within ourselves. An overeater, feeling guilty about eating too much, will do more of the same to soothe the guilt and shame at not having listened to the voice that told them not to do it. It is a cycle that is all too familiar to me.
I begin a new regime to lose weight >> I lose some weight (the amount doesn't really matter here) >> I enjoy a sense of accomplishment >> I get complacent (I don't need to work out every day! I can have just two more itty, bitty cookies) >> Guilt starts to set in (I really shouldn't have skipped that workout yesterday...I ate over my daily target calories...) >> Guilt, coupled with shame, snowballs into self-condemnation (I haven't worked out in a week. What the hell is wrong with me? Why do I always do this? Why do I suck so badly? I am so weak!) >> I gain some or all of the weight back >> I feel terribly about myself (Well, I'm fat again. Good job there. I hate being fat) >> and the cycle starts again.
But what I'm realizing this time is: There was never a person the world over that benefited from condemning themselves. No one can be a happy, healthy person living in a state of constant disapproval of themselves.
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection." -Buddha
I have tried. I have tried living for far too long in a state of self-recrimination for the way I look, for the way I don't look, for the way I exercise or don't exercise, for the way I eat, don't eat, overeat. I've tried stuffing my inner 'ears' to block out the voice of my conscience. What a silly idea that is. Even sillier, I continue to do it, though I know it is silly and will never, ever work. My conscience only pushes back that much harder to be heard. So, it all begins again.
So, I'm back here again, saying that I still don't have my (eating) sh*t together. But, I'm admitting it (AGAIN) and moving on. Getting rid of the guilt, hopefully, so I can get back to feeling good -- about my progress, and about myself in general.
On a positive note, rehearsals for The Sound of Music have picked up, and the entire experience to date has been wonderful. I've met a lot of new, kind people. I've sung beautiful music. I've helped build sets. I've worked on some publicity stuff. Whoo!! I really had forgotten how very much I loved all aspects of theater. Being involved in a play just fills a little ache that I'd had for the past ten years. It's a wonderful, soothing feeling to be doing something I love a few hours a week again.
"It's a helluva start, being able to recognize what makes you happy." -Lucille Ball
Ahhhh. I feel much better ending on that note. I feel uplifted and blessed, just remembering that I've got a wonderful family, fantastic kids, lovely friends, and something to look forward to every week.
It can be so easy to focus on the negatives. Better to concentrate on what's right in front of me -- on all this good that surrounds me, just there for the taking, just waiting for me to appreciate it.
So, I didn't eat the way I should have this week. I made it a little more difficult for myself to reach my weight loss goal. But, I did make some new connections with some great people.
So, I didn't work out every day. But, I did have some wonderful playtime with Terza and Quarto.
Overall, it was a good two weeks, no matter what that Guilt would have me think to myself, or about myself. Shut it, Guilt. I got the message. Now, get out. You're not living here any more.
"Optimism is the faith that leads to achievement. Nothing can be done without hope and confidence." -Helen Keller
So, have a wonderful rest of your week, lovelies. I wish you all the best.
And now these three remain: faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love. 1Corinthians 13:13 (NIV)
all love,
nik*
Well, I told you that I couldn't wait to come back this week and be able to say it. Now, I have, but let me just do it again (because it feels so very good): I'm back, baby.
I am full swing back into P90X. Seriously, I'm not sure how many times I can say it, but I feel so much better when I'm working out regularly. Firstly, I don't feel guilty all day because I'm not doing what I know I should be. Secondly, I feel energized after a workout, not all lumpy on the couch. Thirdly, it helps me get to sleep faster at night (though, Quarto still isn't helping with letting me STAY asleep).
So, no fibs. I ate too much. I am still working on it. Wowzers, at least I can say, it's the "healthiest" binge of which I've ever partaken. My sodium, saturated fat, and other levels were all really decent for the day. So, there, I've given myself a bright side. Also, I did reach another milestone this week, which felt great. I finally hit over 25 lbs lost. Sa-weet. I may have to change my name to Mama Brightside. Well, maybe not.
Anyway, as of this morning, I'm weighing in at 174.2 lbs. Pretty decent. Though, thanks to a BMI calculator, I see that I am still technically obese. Blerg. 5.2 lbs until I am officially just "overwieght" and not "obese." I think it is a wonderful new short term goal.
So, I've got my eye on the "overweight" prize.
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| very important work |
In other MamaNikiNews (feel free to roll your eyes at that...I am), I am definitely enjoying this back to school season. Having Prima and Secondo at school for a large chunk of the day is extremely helpful. I get to spend more one-on-one time with the littles. The day's schedule is a little less hectic (minus those early morning battles that have resumed full force). Apparently, having a routine isn't just soothing for babies and small children, but for mommies as well.
Terza and I find lots of ways to fill our time. Like, I clean up and she makes a mess behind me. This is our Circle of Life. On any given day, I will get her when she wakes and change her bum. While I'm throwing away the dirty diaper and getting her clothes for the day, she will be pulling out three toys and yelling for Hi-5 (an obnoxious TLC kids' show from the 90s that Terza loves to have as background noise). So, while I am putting on the DVD, she is yelling for a cuppa (her cup, not the British term for tea). So, I ask her to wait, and get some clothes on her. I bring her dirty pjs to the kitchen hamper and proceed to get her some milk. Now, while I'm getting the milk, she's dragging the hamper with the dirty clothes into the living room, unloading the dirty clothes on the way. I lay out her nigh-nigh (a small quilt that she likes to sit on in the living room), give her the cup (and a small bowl of Kix or some other cereal - because I know she's just waiting to tell me that she's hungry) and start picking up clothes and toys. Just as I've gotten them put away, I look up to see that the Kix have replaced the toys and clothes on the living room floor. Time to break out the vacuum. While I'm vacuuming, I notice that she has taken six pairs of shoes out of the front hall closet...and so on and on and on. Plus, though much less demanding and taking more naps (thank goodness), Quarto is also mixing it up all morning.
People often ask me "what I do for work." I almost always answer, Nothing, just babies. I feel like being a stay-at-home mum isn't legit enough (and that was before I lived with my parents and was staring down the barrel of divorce No. 2).
So, that's another goal that has been on my mind lately. How do I get comfortable with just being me? Not the me I wish I was. As I've said here before, I've got lots of ideas about what I'd like to be. I'm moving toward many of those aspirations, and plan on continuing that way. But, what about now? This period of mildly mortifying transition? I've got to get okay with saying, I'm getting divorced for the second time, without looking around in a shamefaced way, not wanting to make eye contact with my companions. I've got to learn how to say, I'm a stay-at-home mom, with enthusiasm, instead of a list of reasons why, really, it makes sense financially and I don't really have a college degree to fall back on right now, and I couldn't ask my parents to watch the kiddos even MORE than they already do, and this, and that - until I've excused myself to death. All of those things are true. I don't have a college degree, my parents do already watch the babies a lot, child care is extremely expensive. What is also true is that I love staying home with the babies. I can't think of any job that I would prefer over being here with them. I don't want someone else to tell me about Quarto taking his forays into crawling, or Terza stacking her blocks in a tower taller than herself. I am lucky that I have had the opportunity to be home with all of them when they were babies and toddlers. I wouldn't change it for the world.
So, what's holding me back from expressing that enthusiasm? I already said it. I don't feel LEGITIMATE. Sometimes I feel like FAIL is tattooed across my forehead.
Well, enough of the negativity. I'm actually having a bit of a laugh right now, because I didn't realize just how strongly I felt until I started writing about it. I remembered at least three separate instances within the last month or so when this situation has arisen. With an old friend on Facebook, with a second cousin I hadn't seen in a decade at a small get-together, and with the cast of The Sound of Music. Totally different scenarios, but the same feeling each time.
So, what am I going to do about it? Well, I'm going to think about it and get back to you next week. That's what.
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| ready to bring it |
In the mean time, I'm going to just keep reminding myself that I'm a work-in-progress. I've got to love the journey, not just the destination. Mmmm, maybe I don't need to think about it that much after all...
Have a wonderful rest of your week, lovelies.
all love,
nik*
