Beauty

So, my sincere apologies for ignoring all things blog-y recently.  In case you don't live in the Northeast, we had a big snow storm and I lost power for about five days.  Ugh. It was not a pretty picture with so many little ones.  Luckily, Dos allowed babies (and I) to invade his land of lights and tvs for a few days.  (Big thanks there!).  Even when our power came back, Prima and Sec were home another two days from school (while other neighborhoods were still being restored).  When I finally received the email saying that school was going to be reopened on Friday, I swear a choir of angels sang triumphantly behind me.


The play is this upcoming weekend, so my schedule is super hectic (which is both lovely and tiring).  Saturday was spent moving the set to the theater, building, and painting more scenery.  Sunday, first night of tech week.  If you've never done theater before, it's the first night of figuring out the who, how, when, and where of scene changes, lighting cues, etc etc etc.  A lot of hurry up!...and wait.  It went very well though.  Last night we ran Act One; tonight will be Act Two.  In one of the Act One scenes, there is a party and I am a baroness attending the party.  I also help with a change in the set.  So, there I was last night, in full baroness ensemble (complete with heels and tiara), rolling the massive set downstage into place.  Love this stuff!  Open night is getting so close!  I am just bursting with happiness and excitement!  (Just look at all of those exclamation points, if you don't believe me).


I'm still thinking about the fact that I'm supposed to have videos to upload before my birthday (just 11 days away).  With that in mind, I was watching our old videos. My my my, I was a whole lot heavier.  Ack.  I both hate and like those kinds of reminders.  My initial response is to hide from them (from what I looked like), run far far away and pretend they don't exist.  So, instead, I decided to write about it today.  So, all of you can go look at them if you want.  No use in pretending I wasn't that big.  Better to say, that is how I looked then.  This is how I look now.  Look how far I've come.  I'm sure when I get this new round of videos up, I'll someday be looking back on them saying the same all over again.  That is my hope anyway.  





"Beauty is how you feel inside, and it reflects in your eyes.  It is not something physical." --Sophia Loren


I did not feel beautiful then, and I think you can tell.  I thought feeling beautiful was something that had to wait until my stomach was flat, my arms had no jiggle and the tag on my pants read some single digit number or other.  But, holy cow!  That isn't what it means at all.  It's being comfortable with the skin you're in -- jiggles, wiggles, creases and all.  Real beauty, not just the good looks that a chosen few are granted, comes from inside, at any size.  It's loving yourself and loving those around you.  An open, loving heart is more beautiful than any slim waistline.  Real beauty is a confidence that says, Here I am, a work-in-progress and I love the work as much as the progress, every step of the way.  

Me, right now as I'm typing

I can't say that I always feel great now, but for the most part, I have regained that confidence.  That's what matters.  The weight will take care of itself, if I just give it enough time (and effort!).  But it's the confidence that had been lacking for so long.  Well, I feel just lovely.  I. Am. Beautiful.  There, I said it. 


all love, 


nik*

Mini-Post - Day 27 of 42

Yesterday was an okay day.  I still ate to lose, even though I never got a workout in.  I drank water, played with kiddos, got Prima her Halloween costume.  


Hey, have you noticed that girls' Halloween costumes are...well, scandalous?  Prima is 10 (as of yesterday, happy birthday my wonderful girl), and though she keeps getting bigger, the costumes meant for her age seem to be staying the same size.  As in, there's barely enough material there for a 4 year old's costume.  So, Halloween costume manufacturer's, what's up?  Why are you trying to dress my baby like a little prostitot?  Ugh!  Not to mention, We live in New England!  It's going to be CHILLY that night, if not freezing.  Yet, this year every costume was short sleeves, no sleeves, even strapless!  Tights, mini skirts, you name it.  So, my baby will freeze and look way too old for her age.  Thanks a lot.  Three store trips later, we finally found something we could both agree on, a lovely wingless fairy (which was also a tank on top, but we found a nice long-sleeved shirt to put under it).  Hallelujah.  


Anyway, that was yesterday.  All the kiddos have got their costumes; I've still got my sanity.  Overall, a very decent day.


"You are worried about seeing him spend his early years in doing nothing. What! Is it nothing to be happy?  Nothing to skip, play, and run around all day long? Never in his life will he be so busy again.  --Jean-Jacques Rousseau


all love, 


nik*

Mini-Post - Day 26 0f 42

Yesterday was a fabulous day.  I worked my butt off.  (For 72 whole minutes).  I ate to lose.  I drank water like it was my job (I always forget how much easier it is to forgo snacking when you're full to the brim with water!).  Also on this productive day, I took Secondo to get a Halloween costume.  (Prima is going tonight and the littles already have theirs).


All in all, a lovely day -- working toward a wonderful week.


"Even a happy life cannot be without a measure of darkness, and the word happy would lose its meaning if it were not balanced by sadness.  It is far better take things as they come along with patience and equanimity." --Carl Jung.


all love,


nik*


PS, this is the plan from here on out with these Minis.  I'm going to post (hopefully) in the morning about the previous day.  I always remember to work on it in the morning, but then realize that I haven't actually finished up for the day.  So, duh, here is the solution ;)

Love love love

Well, loves, it's happening.  Slowly, but surely, I am getting myself back on track.  I'm still in this 174-176 lbs range.  It's about time I got below 170, don't you think?  My bestest got me started on a weeklly challenge on MFD (though, to date I haven't managed to get through an entire week, blerg).  However, this is the week.  I feel it in my fingers; I feel it in my toes.  (Can you guess that movie reference?).  

I've been thinking recently about my original goals list.  I realize that I have been focused very heavily on my weight loss and exercise goals, and not so much on the others. I did join MFD and start working out, and I've bored you all to tears with the many updates on whether or not I'm sticking with them.  So, let's just say -- still a work in progress.


Well, one of the others - in fact, the one I thought I would struggle with most -- is complete (or as complete as it's ever going to get).  I am still totally smoke-free.  I think being in a musical is helping with this one.  Any time I feel the pull of that nicotine temptress, I just remind myself that I'm supposed to be singing with and in front of people.  This helps.  An even bigger help?  Remembering the price per pack!


So, #3, quit smoking -- check the "done" box next to that.  


Of the original list, that leaves "re-harnessing my creativity."  I've completed some of the items I laid out a few months ago.  I definitely auditioned for the play, am helping build and paint the sets, etc; you know all about that.  Also, I have put up some recordings on my Myspace page (http://www.myspace.com/mama_niki, in case you haven't checked it out).  But, I also said that I would have 5 new youtube videos up by my birthday.  Well, kiddos, that's next month and I haven't put up a single one.  I guess I'm going to be doing a bit of recording in the next few weeks, because I'm sure as heck not going to push it back.  That would be too easy and too much my old M.O.  So, look for that in the next few weeks.  I'm embarrassed to say that I still haven't submitted a single story.  I've got six days to do it this month, and by gum (I like that expression, don't you?) I'm going to!  No more just wasting what I've written on a file on some silly laptop where no one will ever read it.  (Just because I'm afraid that someone will read it...and hate it.  Or, worse, laugh at it).
  
"Every day I live I am more convinced that the waste of life lies in the love we have not given, the powers we have not used, the selfish prudence that will risk nothing and which, shirking pain, misses happiness as well." --Mary Cholmondeley

Like I said, I have been busy, busy with TSoM.  I am so grateful every day that my mother and sister encouraged me to audition.  They are a wonderful, talented group.  With just about three weeks left until the show, it is looking really great.  If you're in the area and you haven't bought a ticket yet, here's another chance:  BUY TICKETS TO THIS AMAZING SHOW!  It's going to be fabulous.  So, come out and support local theater, yo!  

In other news, I finished the scarf I've been intermittently working on for TWO YEARS.  That's right, two years!    About time, huh?   It's nothing too special, except that I made it myself and made it with love.  Prima's birthday is this week, and (as I've been making it for her all this time) it is part of her present.  

I've got about three other knitting projects going.  One of which is a baby blanket for Terza (Yes, yes, she is two.  So perhaps the baby blanket is a little late?).  Also in the mix, two more scarves.  Maybe I'll finish another of these projects this year (so, in the next two months or so?).  Who knows!  Stranger things have happened.  Nothing comes to mind right now, but I'm pretty sure...

Otherwise, my days and evenings have been jam packed.  Prima is still happily pursuing the saxophone and cheerleading.  Sec is still all about the basketball.  Terza and Quarto had one of those colds that just refuse to go away.  You know, the kind where unspeakable goo pours from the noses and clogs up their throats?  Thankfully, they seem to (finally) be on the mend.  Hurrah! 

So, as I try to wrap this post up, I would like to add a goal today.  One that I think is more important than all the others by far.  One that I try to work on already, but haven't actually put into words here.  

Goal #5: To show true love and appreciation to those around me, every day.  To my family and friends, to the world at large.  Too often I realize, too late, that I've taken a kind action or word for granted.  Or that I have reacted unfairly or unkindly or selfishly, etc.  Maybe I'm cranky after being up many times with the kiddos throughout the night.  Maybe I've got bills and other stresses on my mind.  Maybe I've just stubbed my toe, two babies are crying, the other two are fighting, and I'm no where near ready with dinner.  Maybe I'm running out the door with no time for anything else. They're all my usual excuses for less-than-wonderful behavior.  So, there you have it.  Love -- a work in progress. 

"It is only our bad temper that we put down to being tired or worried or hungry; we put our good temper down to ourselves." --C. S. Lewis



"To me, there are three things we all should do every day.  We should do this every day of our lives. Number one is laugh.  You should laugh every day. Number two is think. You should spend some time in thought. And number three is, you should have your emotions moved to tears, could be happiness or joy.  But think about it. If you laugh, you think, and you cry, that's a full day.  That's a heck of a day. You do that seven days a week; you're going to have something special." --Jim Valvano


"I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love." --Mother Teresa

So, let's go create something special for ourselves.  Wishing you all a lovely week.  

all love, 

nik*

Today is a good day, damn it.

So, I was feeling very down, because I caved and ate about four cookies.  Blerg.  That had me pretty miffed at myself.


However, instead of just feeling like garbage and telling myself it was too late in the day to do anything about it (ie. work out, eat right the rest of the day, etc), I popped in 30-Day Shred.  Well, hello, old friend!  Jillian Michaels, you kicked my butt today, and I needed it.  I did Level 3 for the first time and WHOO! it felt really great to sweat and really work.  I love doing new workouts.  I think that may be part of the problem with the P90X right now.  I know them too well, so (although they are still really challenging) I am bored.


Anyway, just wanted you all to know -- I made a good choice today.  So, boo to you cookies, today is a good day, damn it!


"Life is the sum of all your choices." --Albert Camus


all love, 


nik*


NOTE: I meant to hit "Publish Post" yesterday, but I must have forgotten!

Mini-Post Catch Up

So, my bestest lovingly reminded me today that I have NOT been keeping up with my mini-posts recently.  Which, as you know, is only too true.


That in mind, let me start with a small apology to those of you that check in with me daily.  Sorry for slacking.


Also, I haven't been doing tremendously well.  (Is this a big surprise for anyone?).  That said, even when I've made less-than-perfect choices lately, they haven't been terrible, show-stoppers anymore.  That's nice anyway.  At least my splurges are less, well, splurge-y.  So, real progress has been made -- even if it isn't as drastic or all-encompassing as I'd like. 


However, there's no day like today (thank you, Rent).  So, today's as good a day as any (better than tomorrow, that's for sure!) to recommit.  I'm going to have to work my a** off to meet that exercise goal.  But, I think I can do it...


Stay tuned, loves.

"Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts."  --Winston Churchill

all love, 
nik*

Mini-Post - Day 16 (the rest)

The rest of yesterday went well.  I ate a well proportioned dinner (though I wanted to eat much more) and a small, yummily indulgent serving of pumpkin cheesecake.


Now, I've woken up to a new day, and it's a lovely one.  I love bright, crisp Fall mornings. 


People always talk about Spring bringing  a sense of renewal and hope and the like.  But for me, it's always been the Fall.  There's something about that cool breeze, comfy sweaters and scarves, apple pies and acorn squash that brings me such a sense of comfort and joy, with new beginnings in the air.  And, let's be honest, I am always overjoyed to say 'goodbye!' to bathing suits.  


So, happy morning, loves.  Happy Fall morning, at that.  

"To awaken each morning with a smile brightening my face; to greet the day with reverence for the opportunities it contains; to approach my work with a clean mind; to hold ever before me, even in the doing of little things, the ultimate purpose toward which I am working; to meet men and women with laughter on my lips and love in my heart; to be gentle, kind, and courteous through all the hours; to approach the night with weariness that ever woos sleep and the joy that comes from work well done - this is how I desire to waste wisely my days." --Thomas Dekker

all love, 

nik*

Mini-Post - Days 15 & 16

Yesterday (Day 15) was a okay day, foodwise.  I still didn't get in any exercise.  


Today, so far, so very good.  I went and helped out at the scene shop for TSoM, which is always a fun time.  Afterward, I almost stopped for some kind of fast food (there is a McDonald's and a Burger King very close by).  However, I stayed strong (who's proud of this Mama?) and came home to eat a much healthier and more nutritious lunch instead.  


So, progress is being made.  Hooray for that.


Hope this weekend is treating all of you well.  May the rest of it be filled with love and laughter.


"To be happy, drop the words 'if only' and substitute instead the words 'next time'." --Smiley Blanton


all love, 


nik*

Mini-Post - Day 14 of 42

Well, loves, today was a better day.  I was so darn busy, I didn't have the opportunity to overeat.  I also didn't get the chance to do any formal kind of exercise.  However, I was running around all day; I've got the tired to show for it.


Logged all my food.  Went just 33 calories over.  Whoo hoo.  So, another good (not great, but still good) day behind me, I'm ready to get to sleep.


One of my favorites tonight:


"I have not failed.  I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work." --Thomas Edison


all love,


nik*

Mini-Post - Days 12 & 13 of 42

Yesterday and today were a bit of a bust.  *sigh*  Tomorrow is another day.  Now, I'm going to go sleep so it can get here.  

"Rest when you're weary.  Refresh and renew yourself, your body, your mind, your spirit.  Then get back to work." --Ralph Marston

all love and goodnight, 


nik*

Where the Heck Have I Been?

Well, seriously, where have I been?  Here I go starting this daily challenge, and **poof** not even six days go by, and I've vanished for nearly a week.

Sorry for that.  Entirely unintentional and unforeseeable.  

I had an extra baby here for a few days.  Uno has been on deployment in Germany for a few months now.  He called me a week and a half ago to ask whether or not I might be able to watch his fifteen-month-old son, so that his fiancee could go visit him.  They had a babysitter lined up for the trip, but they cancelled last minute.  

Well, I said yes, obviously.   Uno's son, let's call him Bambino, came on Wednesday night and...well, I pretty much haven't slept since.  At most, I've had about three hours a night.  Sometimes less.  Even the last two nights, after Bambino had gone home.  Unfortunately, Terza's got a cold and Quarto's nighttime schedule is all messed up.  Which all boils down to an exhausted Mama.

However, all whining aside, I'm glad I could help out.  Bambino is seriously cute.  Prima and Secondo got some nice time with their brother.  And, thank goodness, we all survived!  

Luckily, although I wasn't really able to exercise while he was here (minus a no-doubt-hilarious-looking trip outside with the three of them, Bambino and Terza in the double stroller and Quarto strapped to the front of me in a Baby Bjorn), I did take it easy on the eating, and I logged every flippin' calorie I ate.  (The non-flipping ones, too).

It was no coincidence that the only day my calories went into the dreaded "eating to gain" area was yesterday, when I made THIS:

So, that's where the heck I've been.  Expect me back, daily (with a vengeance), with those mini-posts.  

"All great masters are chiefly distinguished by the power of adding a second, a third, and perhaps a fourth step in a continuous line.  Many a man has taken the first step.  With every additional step you enhance immensely the value of your first."  --Ralph Waldo Emerson

Let's make it a great week, lovelies.  

all love, 

nik*

Mini-Post 6 - Day 6 of 42

So, yesterday was not as stellar as the two days prior.  Got a little derailed by, you know, life.  I didn't get any exercise in.  However, I didn't eat as much, so my calorie intake was okay.  So, whoo hoo!  Going to try to get in a "real" post later today.  Though, Quarto and Terza have been joined by another toddler for the next few days.  So, I'm not really sure if a long post is going to be possible!  Let's all cross our fingers for a community nap time today!


all love, 


nik*

"Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions.  Small people always do that.  The really great people make you feel that you, too, can become great."  --Mark Twain  


((Today's quote is directed to two very specific ladies in my life.  Mum and Shan, you are truly Great People.  Thanks for that.))

Mini-Post 5 - Day 5 of 42

Has it really been 5 days already?  Today was another really great day.  I ate to within one calorie of my daily allotment, and did the P90X - Cardio X workout.  I drank lots and lots of water.  Took my vitamin.  


It was a lovely day (though it rained all day, and both Terza and Quarto were miserable and sicky pants).


Now, time for some much-deserved sleep!


all love, 


nik*

"People often say that motivation doesn't last.  Well, neither does bathing - that's why we recommend it daily." --Zig Ziglar



 

Mini-Post 4 - Day 4 of 42

Today was a wonderful day.  I worked out, I ate well.  (P90X - Core Synergistics, calories comfortably in my "to lose" range).  Only happy, smiling faces from MFD tonight.  Woot!  "If every day was like today, [I'd] lose 1.7 lbs per week."  Lovely.  Let the losing begin...again.  I'd like that; I'd like that very much.


all love, 
nik*


"Even if you fall on your face, you're still moving forward." --Robert C. Gallagher

Mini-Post 3 - Day 3 of 42

Day 3 wasn't so hot.  I ate about 2000 calories.  Sigh.  Dang it.  So, MFD (myfooddiary.com) told me that "If every day was like today, you would maintain your weight."  At least it didn't say I would gain anything.  Today is a new day.  After last night's sugar binge (curse you, Hershey bar!), I am feeling a little...mleh.  So, better eating today for sure!


I also did not work out, but that was intentional.  I plan on starting P90X this week (today, since I'm late getting this post up for yesterday) and wanted a rest day before I began.  


I'll update tonight!


all love, 


nik*


"Dont judge each day by the harvest you reap, but by the seeds you plant." --Robert Louis Stevenson

Mini-Post 2 - Day 2 of 42

Sorry, I didn't get this post up yesterday, but it was a very busy day!


Anyway, I'm not going to count all of the activity I did yesterday into my six-week self-challenge (though I did count it for my calorie intake yesterday).  I was working in the set shop for TSoM from 9:30 to 3 yesterday, moving things, taking things apart, taping set pieces, etc etc etc.  So, luckily, I was moving most of the day.


I also took my little sister out last night to Chunky's.  Ouch!  I ate half of a dessert.  Sigh.


Still, overall for the day, I came out ahead, with a little over 100 calories left. Whoo hoo.  :)


I'll be back tonight with today's info.


all love,


nik*

Mini-Post 1 - Day 1 of 42

I found this little make-your-own-ticker site today.  Fun times.  Let the countdown begin!


Day 1 went pretty well.


I worked out for one hour (The New York City Ballet Workout.  Fun, strenuous, and worth getting from Netflix).  I decided to try this one out for today, because I want to start Monday, fast and furious, back on the P90X schedule.


Eating -- I logged like it was my job.  (Even ridiculous things, like the single Triscuit Thin I ate without thinking when I was putting the box my sister left out away or the three maraschino cherries I stole from the jar early this morning, sigh).  So, I didn't make tremendously wonderful choices today, but I managed to only consume 1,481 calories.  (279 of which I burned off with all the ballet according to my handy dandy SportLine heart monitor).  So, only 2 cals over my goal for the day.


I'm trying to drink one more bottle (750 mL) of water before bed, since I haven't quite had enough today. I'm also thinking about going for a run once the babies are in bed.  Couch25K is calling my name.  But will I still be ready to go in an hour?  I'll tell you tomorrow.


all love,


nik*


UPDATE:  I drank that water and I went for the C25K.  :)

The past few weeks have been CRAP.

Yes, I said it.  The past few weeks have been filled with CRAP - Complacency, Rationalizations, Avoidance, and  Procrastination (I love a good acronym, don't you?).  


Subsequently, I've gained a few pounds back.  Stepping on the scale this morning, I weighed 179.4 lbs.  Well, no thank you!  I refuse to be 180 lbs again.  So, thank you, scale, for giving me a sharp kick in the *ss.  (I might also add, to that bum in question, We've thrown away all of our "Big Girl" clothes.  Unless you want to be strutting your over-sized stuff in the nude, you'd better get back on track!).


I've read that it can take six weeks or more to integrate a new behavior into your regular routine.  Somehow, I pushed through the six weeks, all the way to maybe 10 weeks even.  Then, old habits came creeping back in.  (see CRAP above).  


Of course, that got me to thinking today.  What the heck went wrong?  I mean, I know what I started doing, how I started doing it...but not why?  WHY did I start making excuses for myself?  WHY did I stop listening to that new, clear voice (especially when I knew without a doubt that it was right)?  WHY did I continuously put off exercising?  WHY did I stop doing all of the things that were making me feel so good?  

"No one is in control of your happiness but you; therefore, you have the power to change anything about yourself or your life that you want to change."  -Barbara de Angelis

The old me - the one that's been creeping back in slowly but surely - reads that quote and thinks:  yeah, well, I am fully capable (and inclined) to sabotage that happiness, to imagine myself as powerless and unable to maintain any positive changes long-term.   


Well, that's a load of CRAP.  


Now, none of this is new.  Not within the world at large, or even within the posts of this blog.  My first inclination is to apologize for this repetition.  I mean, maybe no one wants to read week after week that I'm struggling.  But it occurs to me that there may be those that do.  Those people that are having the same back-and-forth struggle, year to year, week to week, day to day, minute to minute, that I am.  


So, how do we deal with the WHY?  I've come up with a plan for myself, because I think I know what my biggest weakness has been recently - my ability to lie to myself and ignore my own advice.


With that in mind, I've decided that I'm going to start posting every day.  Big Thursdays will continue, with a long, meandering post like the previous posts you've come to know and (hopefully) enjoy.  During the rest of the week, I'm going to mini-post, telling all of you whether or not I've exercised and what my eating was like for the day.  It's all about accountability.  Let's face it, no one sees whether I log my cals on myfooddiary (which, honestly, I haven't done in weeks, though I continue to pay for the service.  I'd like to actually get my money's worth, so this is also an attempt to get me logging on the site again as well).  Just relying on myself is not working out right now.  I need a motivational boost.  So, for the next six weeks, that's my goal.  Six weeks to reintegrate healthy behaviors, whether I like it or not. 


Of course, there are many good things happening for me at the moment as well.  The play is a constant source of fun and happiness.  My parents continue to be unceasingly supportive.  The kiddos are all doing fabulously.  Prima has started saxophone with the school band and cheerleading (both of which she's really loving); Sec had his first basketball practice last night (and the most adorable attempted set of jumping jacks EVER); Terza has started singing and really pretending (the awesomest milestone to witness in any child, in my opinion); Quarto is full-out crawling now.  So many big changes for these babies of mine.  It's an especially amazing time to be their mum.  


So, not all is lost (there's a poundage joke there, but let's move on...).  Happiness abounds.  Occasionally, I even remember to stop and enjoy it. 

"Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today.  I can choose which it shall be.  Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet.  I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it."  --Groucho Marx

So, happy rest of your weeks, loves.  Here's hoping you (and I!) stay on track and remember to enjoy each day for the miraculous gift it is.


all love, 
nik*

It's a helluva start

My days seem to just bleed together lately.  I didn't even realize until Sunday that I hadn't posted last week.  School is back in effect for the bigs, full force.  Prima has a slew of clubs, activities, and get togethers that she wants to participate in this year.  Student council, band, chorus, cheering, plays, and on and on.  The list seems endless.  She sounds just like her Mama, I know.  We've had more than one talk about priorities and patience the past few weeks.

"I learned that we can do anything, but we can't do everything...at least not at the same time. So think of your priorities not in terms of what activities you do, but when you do them.  Timing is everything."  -Dan Millman

Secondo is a bit more laid back.  The struggle with him is more how to keep him away from video games and iPods (ie. more video games).  Unfortunately, the little man has been banned from them for a full week.  As well as the computer and the Wii.  Seriously, have you ever told a child to stop playing a video game on the t.v. only to have them automatically go to the computer to play a different game?  Then, when you calmly tell them you didn't mean that they should go to the computer just because you said no Wii, have they ever asked, Well, do you know where the iPod is?  Argh!  So, Sec is currently detoxing from video games.  Not that he was allowed to play them much anyway, but I think he was forgetting that.  


For my part, I am feeling a bit like I've gone 'round the bad side of the cycle again.  I'm still working out and dancing while I make dinner.  However, I cannot seem to get this eating under control.  My mum has been so kind about gently reminding me in the evenings that I'm supposed to be watching what I eat.  Never meanly, though my own guilt makes me sometimes feel snussy about the reminder, no matter how gently she gives it.  


Guilt is a sneaky, tricky thing.  It has its place, of course.  I wouldn't want to behave badly and not feel some sting to tell myself that I have done so.  I am not advocating some mass lack of conscience.  


However, guilt so often binds us up and traps us in the exact behaviors we most detest within ourselves.  An overeater, feeling guilty about eating too much, will do more of the same to soothe the guilt and shame at not having listened to the voice that told them not to do it.  It is a cycle that is all too familiar to me.  


I begin a new regime to lose weight >> I lose some weight (the amount doesn't really matter here) >> I enjoy a sense of accomplishment >> I get complacent (I don't need to work out every day!  I can have just two more itty, bitty cookies) >>  Guilt starts to set in (I really shouldn't have skipped that workout yesterday...I ate over my daily target calories...)  >> Guilt, coupled with shame, snowballs into self-condemnation  (I haven't worked out in a week.  What the hell is wrong with me?  Why do I always do this?  Why do I suck so badly? I am so weak!)  >>  I gain some or all of the weight back  >>  I feel terribly about myself (Well, I'm fat again.  Good job there. I hate being fat) >>  and the cycle starts again.  


But what I'm realizing this time is:  There was never a person the world over that benefited from condemning themselves.  No one can be a happy, healthy person living in a state of constant disapproval of themselves.  

"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection." -Buddha

I have tried.  I have tried living for far too long in a state of self-recrimination for the way I look, for the way I don't look, for the way I exercise or don't exercise, for the way I eat, don't eat, overeat.  I've tried stuffing my inner 'ears' to block out the voice of my conscience.  What a silly idea that is.  Even sillier, I continue to do it, though I know it is silly and will never, ever work.  My conscience only pushes back that much harder to be heard.  So, it all begins again.


So, I'm back here again, saying that I still don't have my (eating) sh*t together.  But, I'm admitting it (AGAIN) and moving on.  Getting rid of the guilt, hopefully, so I can get back to feeling good -- about my progress, and about myself in general.


On a positive note, rehearsals for The Sound of Music have picked up, and the entire experience to date has been wonderful.  I've met a lot of new, kind people.  I've sung beautiful music.  I've helped build sets.  I've worked on some publicity stuff.  Whoo!!  I really had forgotten how very much I loved all aspects of theater.  Being involved in a play just fills a little ache that I'd had for the past ten years.  It's a wonderful, soothing feeling to be doing something I love a few hours a week again.  

"It's a helluva start, being able to recognize what makes you happy." -Lucille Ball

Ahhhh.  I feel much better ending on that note.  I feel uplifted and blessed, just remembering that I've got a wonderful family, fantastic kids, lovely friends, and something to look forward to every week.  


It can be so easy to focus on the negatives.  Better to concentrate on what's right in front of me -- on all this good that surrounds me, just there for the taking, just waiting for me to appreciate it.  


So, I didn't eat the way I should have this week.  I made it a little more difficult for myself to reach my weight loss goal.  But, I did make some new connections with some great people.  


So, I didn't work out every day.  But, I did have some wonderful playtime with Terza and Quarto.  


Overall, it was a good two weeks, no matter what that Guilt would have me think to myself, or about myself.  Shut it, Guilt.  I got the message.  Now, get out.  You're not living here any more.  

"Optimism is the faith that leads to achievement. Nothing can be done without hope and confidence."  -Helen Keller

So, have a wonderful rest of your week, lovelies.  I wish you all the best.  

And now these three remain: faith, hope, and love.  But the greatest of these is love.  1Corinthians 13:13 (NIV)

all love, 


nik* 

I'm back, baby!

Well, I told you that I couldn't wait to come back this week and be able to say it.  Now, I have, but let me just do it again (because it feels so very good):  I'm back, baby.


I am full swing back into P90X.  Seriously, I'm not sure how many times I can say it, but I feel so much better when I'm working out regularly.  Firstly, I don't feel guilty all day because I'm not doing what I know I should be.  Secondly, I feel energized after a workout, not all lumpy on the couch.  Thirdly, it helps me get to sleep faster at night (though, Quarto still isn't helping with letting me STAY asleep).  

I have also been trying to log what I'm eating -- even when it isn't pretty.  Like my chocolate binge of last night.  Now, let me say that I had only 1/2 cup of low-fat chocolate ice cream and one TBS of Hershey's chocolate syrup.  Not so bad.  However, I then topped it off by eating 2 Kashi Oatmeal and Dark Chocolate cookies.  (Those babies pack 130 calories each!).  Ouch.  So, yesterday, even though I worked my butt off, I still went about 350 calories over my goal.  Sigh.  Might as well come clean about it, though.  No sense in pretending like I didn't do it.  That mentality just lends to feeling guilty and eating to soothe the pain.  And so on, and so forth, in the vicious cycle of my eating life...


So, no fibs.  I ate too much.  I am still working on it.  Wowzers, at least I can say, it's the "healthiest" binge of which I've ever partaken.  My sodium, saturated fat, and other levels were all really decent for the day.  So, there, I've given myself a bright side.  Also, I did reach another milestone this week, which felt great.  I finally hit over 25 lbs lost.  Sa-weet.  I may have to change my name to Mama Brightside.  Well, maybe not.  


Anyway, as of this morning, I'm weighing in at 174.2 lbs.  Pretty decent.  Though, thanks to a BMI calculator, I see that I am still technically obese.  Blerg.  5.2 lbs until I am officially just "overwieght" and not "obese."  I think it is a wonderful new short term goal.  


So, I've got my eye on the "overweight" prize.  

very important work

In other MamaNikiNews (feel free to roll your eyes at that...I am), I am definitely enjoying this back to school season.  Having Prima and Secondo at school for a large chunk of the day is extremely helpful.  I get to spend more one-on-one time with the littles.  The day's schedule is a little less hectic (minus those early morning battles that have resumed full force).  Apparently, having a routine isn't just soothing for babies and small children, but for mommies as well.




Terza and I find lots of ways to fill our time.  Like, I clean up and she makes a mess behind me.  This is our Circle of Life.  On any given day, I will get her when she wakes and change her bum.  While I'm throwing away the dirty diaper and getting her clothes for the day, she will be pulling out three toys and yelling for Hi-5 (an obnoxious TLC kids' show from the 90s that Terza loves to have as background noise).  So, while I am putting on the DVD, she is yelling for a cuppa (her cup, not the British term for tea).  So, I ask her to wait, and get some clothes on her.  I bring her dirty pjs to the kitchen hamper and proceed to get her some milk.  Now, while I'm getting the milk, she's dragging the hamper with the dirty clothes into the living room, unloading the dirty clothes on the way.  I lay out her nigh-nigh (a small quilt that she likes to sit on in the living room), give her the cup (and a small bowl of Kix or some other cereal - because I know she's just waiting to tell me that she's hungry) and start picking up clothes and toys.  Just as I've gotten them put away, I look up to see that the Kix have replaced the toys and clothes on the living room floor.  Time to break out the vacuum.  While I'm vacuuming, I notice that she has taken six pairs of shoes out of the front hall closet...and so on and on and on.  Plus, though much less demanding and taking more naps (thank goodness), Quarto is also mixing it up all morning.  


People often ask me "what I do for work."  I almost always answer, Nothing, just babies. I feel like being a stay-at-home mum isn't legit enough (and that was before I lived with my parents and was staring down the barrel of divorce No. 2). 


So, that's another goal that has been on my mind lately.  How do I get comfortable with just being me?  Not the me I wish I was.  As I've said here before, I've got lots of ideas about what I'd like to be.  I'm moving toward many of those aspirations, and plan on continuing that way.  But, what about now?  This period of mildly mortifying transition?  I've got to get okay with saying, I'm getting divorced for the second time, without looking around in a shamefaced way, not wanting to make eye contact with my companions.  I've got to learn how to say, I'm a stay-at-home mom, with enthusiasm, instead of a list of reasons why, really, it makes sense financially and I don't really have a college degree to fall back on right now, and I couldn't ask my parents to watch the kiddos even MORE than they already do, and this, and that - until I've excused myself to death.  All of those things are true.  I don't have a college degree, my parents do already watch the babies a lot, child care is extremely expensive.  What is also true is that I love staying home with the babies.  I can't think of any job that I would prefer over being here with them.  I don't want someone else to tell me about Quarto taking his forays into crawling, or Terza stacking her blocks in a tower taller than herself.  I am lucky that I have had the opportunity to be home with all of them when they were babies and toddlers.  I wouldn't change it for the world.  


So, what's holding me back from expressing that enthusiasm?  I already said it.  I don't feel LEGITIMATE. Sometimes I feel like FAIL is tattooed across my forehead.  


Well, enough of the negativity.  I'm actually having a bit of a laugh right now, because I didn't realize just how strongly I felt until I started writing about it.  I remembered at least three separate instances within the last month or so when this situation has arisen.  With an old friend on Facebook, with a second cousin I hadn't seen in a decade at a small get-together, and with the cast of The Sound of Music.  Totally different scenarios, but the same feeling each time.  


So, what am I going to do about it?  Well, I'm going to think about it and get back to you next week.  That's what.  

ready to bring it

In the mean time, I'm going to just keep reminding myself that I'm a work-in-progress. I've got to love the journey, not just the destination.  Mmmm, maybe I don't need to think about it that much after all...


Have a wonderful rest of your week, lovelies.  


all love, 


nik*